Orthodox Women Talk: Round Four

Welcome to the fourth installment of Orthodox Women Talk! If you have questions about living an Orthodox Jewish life, we, a panel of Orthodox women are here to answer them. Feel free to comment with your questions and I'll add them to our list. (If you don't want your name connected with your question, either comment as "Anonymous" or leave a note in the comment and I will not publish it here but will still share the question with our group.)

Teeny Tiny Disclaimer: Opinions below do not necessarily reflect the views of this blog.

Today's question: What Has Been your Experience with Hair Covering?

Before we continue, I want to bring to your attention two links. The first is to a poetry slam about covering hair. My best friend sent me the link without even knowing that we were being asked this question. Talk about perfect timing! The woman in the video has such a nice voice and a good sense of humor. The second is to a story from Jew in the City about a woman who used hair covering as a bargaining chip with Hashem in order to save her child's life. And here's another video I happened upon recently about why someone loves covering their hair.

EMILY

When my husband and I got married, we were living in a community that was pretty firm about married women only wearing sheitels when out in public. There were even signs posted on poles reminding women of this. We never planned on staying in this community (he was a resident at a nearby hospital), so we never really followed this. Though I will say it was one of the few instances in my entire life where I caved to outside pressure--I bought a sheitel for more money than I care to admit, thinking that he would prefer it, or that it would be easier for me than dealing with whatever disapproval came my way from others. I think I wore it maybe 10 times, and eventually sold it for next to nothing. I was kicking myself for spending that money. My only consolation is that maybe a woman who needed a nice sheitel but couldn't afford it got a deal. So for the vast, vast majority of our marriage, I have been a tichel/scarf or hat wearing woman. My husband prefers it, both because he likes the look of it and because he feels that wearing a scarf is a better way of presenting oneself as a married Jewish woman, and his feelings are very important to me. Men are visual, and if he likes the way I look in a tichel and it's more comfortable for me, well that works out just fine. I have to add to that a more practical angle--it's just easier for me. It's more comfortable and just more, well, me. If I wore a wig when dressing up for Shabbat or work or some event, I felt like I didn't look like me, and felt very self-conscious while wearing it. I felt like this foreign entity was sitting on my head and I was so super aware of it. During the day to day, we also do a lot of hiking and kayaking and the last thing I want it to be cruising along in some lake, getting tipped, and ending up in the drink with my sheitel either stinking of lake water or floating away. Thankfully, there are a lot of really pretty scarves and accessories out there that allow a woman to get very creative and dressed up with a scarf. I love the fact that I can hop on line and pretty much pick whatever color or style I want. We have tremendous access to choice now in whatever we decide to cover our hair with! So that is what we do. I don't really put a lot of stock in how a woman covers her hair--some do this, some do that, and I hope that when a woman does make the decision to cover her hair, however she does it, she does it with joy rather than feeling like it is a burden or a drag. As far as adjusting to wearing a head covering, that wasn't as tough as I thought it would be. Truthfully, I don't have such great hair. It's straight, mousy brown, and there really isn't much to it so I never really felt like I was having to cover anything great to begin with. I imagine it is a different story for a woman who has really lovely hair. I recently heard a friend talk about her hair covering experience, and she said something really powerful. She described how, when she began to cover her hair, she began to behave differently. Like she saw herself as a representative of the Jewish people and it made her more conscious of how she treated people. She said she began to smile at people more, began to always return a hello, or hold doors open--stuff like that. I thought that was really awesome, and is a really great way of looking at covering your hair. It's a responsibility, yes, but it's also a reminder of what and who we represent.

Emily Chilungu is a 35-year-old mother of four.  She hates labels and all the extra baggage that goes with them, so she just says that she is an observant Jewish convert married to another observant Jewish convert.  Emily is from rural Ohio and lives in upstate New York.

MELISSA

I only cover my hair for Shabbat and Yom Tov, or if I'm visiting my brother-in-law, who is frum and lives in Baltimore. When I do cover my hair, I only wear a hat or scarf. I've never worn a sheitel. In my community, women mostly wear hats/scarves at my shul, if that. Some don't cover their hair at all, which is their prerogative. Others just wear a headband. So I fit in pretty well with the hats/scarves I wear. When I go to Baltimore for Shabbos/Yom Tov, I feel out of place in hats/scarves because everyone is wearing a sheitel. I still can't bring myself to wear one though. It's just not something I feel comfortable doing at this point in my life.

Melissa Amster lives in Maryland (DC Metro area) with her husband, two sons and daughter. When she's not reading and interviewing authors for her book blog, she works for a Jewish non-profit. In her spare time (what's that?!?), she likes to watch her favorite shows on TV, bake challah and desserts, and host meals and other gatherings. Follow her on Twitter.

KESHET

Before I got married, I was very nervous about hair covering--to the point that anytime a date didn’t go anywhere, I would tell myself that at least I didn’t need to cover my hair! Because I was so anxious, I made sure to devote some of the wedding budget to a nice shaitel (wig) that color-matched my own hair. Now, six years in, I feel comfortable with hair covering. The process wasn’t as bad as I had built it up to be, and I now feel “myself” in shaitels in a way I would never have expected. I personally cover with shaitels because I feel prettier in them and find them more comfortable. Even in a sparkly pink tichel (scarf), I still feel less feminine without hair! Over time, I have learned more about what type of shaitels I like, and found a groove that I feel good in.


Keshet Starr is an Orthodox wife and mom who works as an attorney and moonlights as a scrapbooker, blogger, photographer, baker, reader, writer, and lover of all things creative! She lives in New Jersey with her fellow-attorney husband and two young children. When she isn’t taking care of her to-do list, indulging in a hobby, or sipping a hot latte, she likes to think about the deeper things in life and connect with others. Keshet blogs at www.keshetstarr.com and Instagrams at @keshetstarr.

RUCHI

I recently did two posts at my blog on this topic:

Hair Covering: My Midlife Crisis part 1: Comparing wigs and scarves


Hair Covering: The Women Speak: A poll taken by women of all kinds on their feelings regarding covering their hair.

Ruchi Koval is an Orthodox Jewish woman.  Married, 7 kids.  Yeah, you heard right.  

She’s the co-founder and director of the Jewish Family Experience, a family education center and Sunday school located in Cleveland, Ohio. She is  also a certified parenting coach, runs character-development groups for women, and is a motivational speaker. In her spare time, she enjoys reading, thinking about writing a book, putting on an Israeli accent, playing piano while singing loudly, and organizing closets.  She does not enjoy cooking or sweeping the floors.  She loves doughnuts and is currently trying not to eat them.

It pains her that Jews misunderstand each other so badly.  The goal of her blog is to unite us with education, respect, and understanding: She wants nothing short of global Jewish unity.  Won't you help her by joining in?

Find Ruchi on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Google plus, or email her at ruchi@outoftheorthobox.com.

RACHEL

I was never someone who struggled with covering my hair. Even before I made my decision to do it, I thought about the relief of never grappling with serums and round brushes again. Woe to the one who hasn't cracked the code of "a good hair day". My blow dryer and I had one serious love/hate relationship. One of my least functional relationships to this day. Some mornings (or nights, as the case may be), my blow dryer was my best friend and advocate. I left the house with confidence and a hair flip. Still, there were the dark times, the minutes (hours?) when that hair of mine lay limp and refused to hold style for nothing and nobody. Hard to dredge up these memories but this is an important topic, so I persist. I was always familiar with the concept of covering hair with a wig. I knew the rabbi's wife and some others who did it. My mother even tried for a while but quit after her head and neck pain grew unbearable. The wigs of the 80s bore little resemblance to wigs of today. Their poof was their charm, feathered bangs were of great necessity, and although I was just a child, I could see how heavy and uncomfortable they were.

Fast forward to the third millennium, wigs morphed into sleek hairpieces, custom fit, with fake scalps to call their own. While I didn't know I'd cover my hair yet, I saw the options were endless and beautiful. Once my life path took me to building an observant Torah home, I bought my first wig to match my natural hair as well as I could. I was a first-time buyer and made the mistakes inexperience yields, but I liked it enough plus the blow dryer and I could finally have a mutually respectful relationship.

What catapulted my hair covering into a love affair was a series of lectures I attended delivered by Rabbi Yitzchak Berkovits (shlita) who spent hours over the course of weeks discussing a woman's dignity. The concept that covering my hair was a symbol of entrance into a new stage of life appealed to me, and that this stage required increased dignity and respect forced me to treasure my new marriage more. By the time I was finished listening to the classes and participating in group discussions about the topic, I was floating with a royal crown atop my head.

One aspect of hair covering that I wrestled with (and to a lesser degree, still do) was wearing a scarf. I never felt that I looked quite the same with a scarf on and it was a difficult (and belated) plunge when I finally went out with my head wrapped in one. I always loved the concept of really showcasing the fact that I cover my hair but the aesthetic aspect did take me a while to stomach. Now, I reserve my Sundays and vacation days as "scarf days". As a matter of fact, I get lots of questions as a result and I enjoy the ensuing discussions. Still, I'm not quite ready to don a scarf to work but maybe, one day, I will be able to wrap my head around it.

Rachel Eden hails from Southern California where she teaches and writes about all things Jewish. She has spent the past ten years in various roles of outreach in California, New York, and Israel. She has a home of boisterous boys (and man) and invites you to be their guest (at your own risk). Rachel’s blog can be found at www.thiswaytoeden.wordpress.com.

TALI

Since I got married four years ago, I've covered my hair with mitpachot (like Wrapunzel, only hers are more elaborate than mine) and my trusty pre-tied denim bandana. There wasn't really a decision-making process since there was never a question of whether I would cover my hair or how I would do it. I was just excited about "looking married."

For me, covering hair after marriage was like any mitzvah. Just like my husband and I would be keeping Shabbos, observing kashrut, and all the rest, I'd be covering my hair. Fortunately, it's not something I find or ever found difficult, and I still really love that married look. It goes deeper than it sounds, though. Wearing hair coverings that are very obviously hair coverings means that I am immediately recognizable as married (taken!). I would feel so uncomfortable going out in public with a hair covering that could be mistaken for my real hair, even if it was permissible according to halacha (Jewish law). It's a personal thing.

Living in Israel, and especially on a yishuv, wearing mitpachot is very much the norm. The two times that I traveled back to North America since my wedding, it was important to me to wear the same head coverings abroad as I do at home -- in the airport, on the plane, and wherever else I went during those trips. In the communities I was visiting, most women did not wear mitpachot (it was a mix of sheitel-wearers and no hair coverings, actually), so I kind of felt like a mitpachat ambassador.

These days, I generally wear the denim pre-tied during the week and put on an actual mitpachat for Shabbos1 or Yom Tov. I used to do new wraps all the time, but...let's just say we can blame this one on the kids.

Tali Simon is a writer, editor, and food blogger living near the Dead Sea. She loves to cook, her skinny husband loves to eat, and their two kids are rather unpredictable. Check out Tali's vegetarian recipes, weekly menu plans, and stories about life in Israel at More Quiche, Please.

REBECCA

For me, haircovering is an easy mitzvah. Although I grew up secular, I had a couple of frum relatives, so haircovering always seemed normal to me. By the time I'd become observant and met my future husband, I also had friends and mentors who wore sheitels (and hats and scarves) and felt very comfortable with the halachic reasoning behind the practice. Moreover, I very much associated haircovering with a particular institution – marriage – and because I very much wanted to be married, I embraced my first hat proudly the very day I entered that stage. It seemed no different than my wedding ring.

I have never owned a sheitel, even though I'm Yeshivish and live in L.A., and most Yeshivish women in Los Angeles wear a sheitel at least some of the time. I wear pretty much every other type of haircovering. On Shabbos, you'll probably find me in a giant, layered Wrapunzel-style tichel or a fancy French mitpacha. If you see me in a snood, I'm probably sick or cleaning for Passover.

My most favorite thing about covering my hair is that it forces people to pay attention to my face. Before I was married, I was a woman with an unremarkable face but really lustrous, curly chestnut hair (admittedly, starting to go prematurely grey). Boyfriends used to rave about my hair, but if I pulled my tresses back, people often failed to recognize me.

Today, because my friends and neighbors never know what will be on my head, they have to really focus on my face. They notice my friendly smile and twinkling eyes. Because of this, I feel like hair covering helps my neshama – my soul – shine through.

Rebecca Klempner is a wife, mom, and writer living in L.A. Her picture book, A Dozen Daisies for Raizy, appeared in 2008, and her short stories and essays have appeared in publications including Tablet Magazine, Binah, Hamodia, and Ami. Her current serial for teens and tweens, "Glixman in a Fix," appears weekly in Binah BeTween.