Winter Joy Retreat-Day 8: Food and Longing

I'm participating in an online writer's retreat, thanks to Nina Badzin's blog. The topic is "Edible Memories," so all the posts will be about food. I will try to post every day to keep up, but there are some I might come back to later, depending on my schedule and when inspiration strikes.

Due to Hanukkah and a busy week (so far), I'm still behind, so please bear with me. Thanks!

Tuesday's Topic:
What are you longing for right now? What are you hungry for in your life? When you look back, can you identify a time when your food choices were really not about filling your body or keeping it going but about what you longed for deep inside? Tell us about a time when food was about longing.

This topic made me think a lot about the kinds of longing I do. And it brought me to an interesting place that still is food related.

Confession: I am a recipe hoarder. I have tons of recipe books in my kitchen cabinet, including one that has a collection of recipes from when I was growing up, as well as some my grandma passed down to me. It got so huge that I had to get another binder just for the desserts section! There is also a pile of recipe magazines in the cabinet. I used to have a Family Circle subscription just for the recipes. Then I fell behind on clipping them and just gave up on those. However, I have a folder in my Gmail account just for recipes I've collected online and have yet to print.

What does this have to do with longing, you ask? Well, with all the recipes I have either in print or online, I have yet to cook a majority of them. I usually go for the same (and safe) ones that I know will come out how I want. I miss cooking. My husband is a really good cook, so he does a majority of the cooking. And life gets so hectic that I don't have the time or patience to cook more than the simplest and foolproof of recipes in my collection. I look at these recipes for delicious food items and say to myself "I would love to make that." Then I see how complicated it sounds and bury it in my collection, in hopes to come back to it later. I will admit that I'm not as an amazing of a cook as my husband, but I do enjoy producing something that people will enjoy and even compliment me on. It makes me feel really good to hear that someone liked my challah, or my blueberry cake, or my pumpkin pie. I used to make this s'mores pie that was out of this world and basked in the praise of everyone who loved it. It wasn't personally my recipe, but I think it's more the cook's doing than the recipe itself. Lately, I've been outsourcing some of my simple, but tried-and-true cooking tasks to my older son, who wants to be on Master Chef Junior one of these days. I used to make these really good peanut butter balls, but they take a lot of work and my sons can't eat them anyway, due to allergies. So I've tabled the desire to make them again.

My pumpkin pie, recipe courtesy of Quick and Kosher

Having said all this, I long to step out of my cooking comfort zone. I long to find the time, patience, and energy to cook the delicious recipes I find as an extra gift in the magazines and books I read (such as in Too Many Cooks by Dana Bate, Off the Menu by Stacey Ballis, or Stir by Jessica Fechtor). I long for the motivation to cook something new; something that people will love. I recently came across recipes for cherry thumbprint cookies and butterscotch bars. Both sound really good, but I once again haven't gotten myself to purchase the ingredients and put forth the effort. The most I can bring myself to cook is challah every once in a while (I make big batches) or something simple for Shabbat. I keep making goals for myself to cook more from scratch, and end up resorting to using mixes because it's easier and less time-consuming...and my son can make them without as much supervision.

The recipe collection in my home and e-mail account all reflect my longing to cook something new and different. To make the time for myself and get up the motivation to do so. To go to the store and buy ingredients I might not have normally purchased before. To have a new favorite dish for when I host Shabbat meals.

My best friend is coming to visit in a few weeks and wants to make a pie together again. Let's hope she can kick my butt into gear!