Show 'em you're a cougar...

When I used to hear the word “cougar,” I’d think of a large cat that roamed around Africa or lived in a zoo. When I hear the word “cougar” now, I think of a mix between Mrs. Robinson (“The Graduate”), Stifler’s mother (“American Pie”), Demi Moore and Monica from “Friends” (not because Courteney Cox is in “Cougar Town,” but more because of “young” Ethan from season 1).

In the car on the way to work, I was trying to figure out when the word “cougar” came to be used to describe women who date men a lot younger than them. I first heard it used when they advertised the show “Cougar Town” last spring (for the upcoming fall). Then I read it again in “Easy on the Eyes” by Jane Porter, in which a woman in her 40’s was dating a much younger actor. I’m surprised it wasn’t used in “Flirting with Forty” (also by Porter), so I’m guessing it came to pass after that book was published. The term came to mind today because I was thinking about how my crush on Adam Lambert would render me as a “cougar.” He’s only 5 ½ years younger than me, but that still seems like a large gap. When I was in my dating phase of life, I promised myself that I’d never date anyone my sister’s age or younger. My sister is 3 years younger than me, but any guys around her age felt more like brothers than someone to date. Maybe it was a maturity thing or maybe the “ick factor” (presented on the episode of “Friends” mentioned above) came into play for me.

In any case, I don’t get why there isn’t a name for men who date much younger women. If there were, Tom Cruise would hold such a title! Instead, women who date much older men are called “gold diggers” or “grave robbers.” Why aren’t the boys dating these “cougars” given a name? Don’t these boys give off an Oedipus complex of sorts, even without the factor of potential incest? In the past, the status of being labeled a “cougar” was just considered to be “robbing the cradle.” I joke about that in my own life, since I’m a year and 4 months older than my husband. I don’t notice the age difference as he is more mature than me sometimes. :)

The main point I’m trying to make is that there is an unfair scrutiny placed on women when they date (or even marry) men with a significant age difference in either direction. Men aren’t put under this microscope in the same way. I find it unfair and annoying. If someone wants to date someone else who is far older or younger, it’s really their own choice. If they’re happy together and they’re on the same maturity and intellectual level, there should be no judgment from the media or anyone else outside of that relationship. Aside from just not wanting to date anyone my sister’s age or younger, if I would have been able to babysit for someone in the 80’s, they would definitely be off limits in my book. It’s crazy enough when girl friends of mine who are 7-8 years younger make me feel old. I couldn’t imagine what it would have been like to date someone who would have been too young to watch “Family Ties” prior to it going into syndication. And even on the other side of the coin, if a guy was 3-5 years older, that was fine. Anything beyond that felt creepy to me, especially when guys who contacted me on dating sites were closer to my father’s age than mine. In any case, that's a personal preference and comfort level and I don't judge women who feel differently about dating in either age direction.

These days, my sons have crushes on girls closer to my age. It’s probably as natural as having a teacher or celebrity crush. At their age, the girls I am friends with find it cute. I’m not sure how I’d feel about my sons dating someone a lot older when they’re adults, but I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. (I’m more concerned about them marrying someone Jewish, and hopefully on par with their level of observance. We do have friends who are observant and the wife is about 7 or 8 years older than the husband. They are a great match though.) I just hope the term “cougar” goes away by then. I think by then, it will be as old as the women to whom it is referring. I don’t know that it will get replaced by something else, but I also hope that men will get a turn in the spotlight of scrutiny for dating women with a significant age difference from them.