I had a lot of fun with last week's [Fiction] Friday post (along with some motivating feedback) that I thought I'd try it again!
This is a continuation from my post on June 25th.
The topic for this week: Write about a man with an impossibly bad streak of luck on his birthdays, who, as his 40th birthday approaches, is scared of what might happen.
Saturday night had come and gone. Lou had to admit that Cat was a very interesting girl who kept him guessing the entire evening. They first went to Angelo's for dinner. Then they decided to go to a Karaoke bar on Cat's suggestion (she was a pretty decent singer). Afterward, he took a chance and invited her over for a "Lost" marathon. She managed to stay awake for two episodes before calling it a night.
"I need to work tomorrow. I'm a slave to retail" she said, slowly stretching as she made her way off the couch.
"You never told me where you work."
"I'm a manager at Banana Republic. I want to be a fashion designer when I grow up, so retail's a good place as any to start."
"Aren't you already a grown up?"
"I'll be 35 next month. We're never too old to have goals."
"Good point. I'll be 40 soon," he said while clearing his throat at the same time.
"I'm sorry? I think I missed what you said."
"Um, never mind. I'll see you out to your car."
As Cat fumbled for her keys, Lou decided to make his first move. "You know, you're very pretty." He reached out to brush a stray brown wisp of hair off her forehead. Then he leaned in, only to bump his nose on the driver's side window of her car.
"Sorry, I don't kiss on first dates. You can call me again though." She handed him a laquered business card with the Banana Republic insignia on the front.
"Thanks. I will."
After walking slowly inside--in order to watch Cat drive off--he went into the kitchen to grab himself a bottle of beer. The calendar caught his eye. June 2nd was in a matter of weeks and he was not looking forward to it. He never had a good birthday. His father left his mother, himself and his two brothers on his seventh birthday. He managed to total his car on his 16th birthday, shortly after getting his license. When he turned 22, his mother died from a massive coronary. He got into a huge fight with his brothers on his 27th birthday. And Elaine broke up with him on his 35th birthday. There were other bad birthdays mixed in, but those stood out the most. Now that things were going well in his life--he was a successful veterinarian, he had a potential girlfriend, he loved his new townhouse, his stocks were all gaining money after the market crash--he knew a shoe would drop.
He didn't want anything bad to happen to his practice. He worked hard to build it up to where it was today. He had some loyal, and even some famous, patients. He also liked Cat more than he expected. He wanted to spend more time with her. And losing money was always a fear of his. He wondered if he should pull out of the market while he was in a good place. Maybe he'll just spend all day in his house. He won't answer the phone or do anything to disrupt the passage from 39 into 40. If he just sat totally still and didn't do a thing, maybe the day would just come and go and he could then move on with his life.
On the evening of June 1st, Cat called to wish him a happy last day of his 30's. He appreciated the thought. They had been on several dates already, each one ending in a "Lost" marathon. So far, no kiss.
"So, what do you want for your birthday?"
"Nothing. Really!"
"Everybody wants something for their birthday. Otherwise, it's just another day. Can I bring you a cake?"
"No thank you. I really need to spend the day alone. I'm not much of a birthday person."
"Well, how about if we go out tonight instead?"
"Where did you want to go?"
"How about Las Vegas? It's only a four hour drive from here. Look, I get that your last girlfriend broke up with you on your birthday, but I'm not her. I actually have a thing for vets."
"Will we be back tomorrow mor--you know what? Screw it! Let's do this. Just don't expect me to gamble."
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10 comments:
I love the last line, very subtly emphasizing the gamble he is taking just going out with her. Nicely done! I'm glad you participated again, since I didn't catch you last time around.
So proud of you for participating again this week. I like what you've done with the prompt. Great characterization of both Cat and your main character (I didn't catch a name for him?).
I can relate to his trepidation about birthdays and the feeling that if you just hold really still and don't do anything to upset the balance, maybe things will be okay just this one time. You capture this feeling well in the sentence: "If he just sat totally still and didn't do a thing, maybe the day would just come and go and he could then move on with his life."
The ending was clever with his comment about not betting. You can see that he has hope that his luck in love will turn around, but he's not willing to push his luck.
Keep up the writing, Melissa. It is always a treat.
You have created a good dynamic between the characters and set up an ending that holds all kinds of unimaginable horrors. Good to read your work.
Blessings
Adam B
Nice to see you here again. I like the gambling line.
I thoroughly enjoyed that thank you. You have a smooth writing style that overcame my weak interwebs attention span! I like what you did with this prompt at the end ... there's a lot to be said for positive thinking!
Good job conveying his anxiety about his birthday - and mixing that with turning 40, too. I really liked the last line - after all, isn't he already gambling (on a relationship and on activating the birthday curse)?
(I also liked that this prompt was a continuation of the previous prompt.)
great to see a new face come back.. see.. we aren't all bad!
well done on the pacing and characterisation, certianly for a first draft - this is tight and reads smoothly. well done.
visitors can see mine at http://annieevett.blogspot.com/2010/07/essence.html
u ended beautifully.....n yes, ur story is something that many of us would think of when in such situation, thou it's very tough to follow....
gud work done.
Annie,
I wasn't sure how to post a comment on your page. I liked your take on this topic too. It says a lot in a short amount of time. Nice work!
Melissa
I like it! Now I want more! :)
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