Friends 'til the "end"

A friend of mine was telling everyone today how her friendship with another friend of hers ended. There weren’t a lot of details involved, but I guess she was being taken for granted or the friendship just went in one direction and not the other.

I’ve been thinking about this in regards to some of my friends just disappearing off the face of the planet with no explanation as to why. I guess it would have been nice to have some closure. It could be attributed to the whole “friends for a reason, season, or lifetime” concept that people send around on the Internet. However, I don’t feel like those friendships fit into any of those categories, unless the reason was one sided. Sometimes it’s just about how much effort one puts into the friendship. A friend could give up on another friend if they’re not making much effort to stay in contact.

Sometimes there are toxic friendships which people are glad to end. I had one of those toward the end of senior year of HS and was more than happy to drop complete contact with the offending friend. This girl tried to tell me who could ride in MY car and she would play with my radio while I was driving. She tried to drive a wedge between me and my sister (mega FAIL on her end!) and tried to manipulate some of my closest friends. I was the first to see her evil ways, even though I was starving for friends at the time and didn’t want to lose my other friends if I told her to take a hike. However, another friend realized this about a month later and it led to a disaster weekend that led me to finding a whole new set of friends in an interesting place. I still hung out with this girl because my friends were doing so, and then the three of us had an epiphany one weekend when she wasn’t around and we all washed our hands of her toxicity. A year or so later, I found out that she did something really inappropriate in the school library and was SO glad that she was out of my life by then. Sometimes I wish I could have really told her off, but I think I was scared of her for a while. She was so awful when she wanted to be. I think I was just scared that my other friends would take her side against me. I guess she managed to give them a run for their money too.

On the other side of the coin, I had a great friendship with a girl I connected with during the end of my first senior year of college. We had so much in common and so much to talk about. We’d e-mail all the time and even tell each other stuff that was deeply personal. During the summer before my last year of college, she moved out to my neck of the woods, so I tried to connect her with some people to make her adjustment that much easier. One attempt was to introduce her to a guy as a potential love interest. That was a minor fail because she fell for his friend and they got married about 2 years later. For a while, we still had stuff to talk about, but less in common as she was embarking on this whole grown up, career-driven, married, suburban life and I was still at home with my parents after graduating college and having trouble finding jobs while in a dead end dating relationship. Later, I was in a better place in my life and she became a mom around that same time. Things were good for a while, but then about a year later, she disappeared off the face of the planet. I was also friends with her sister and she disappeared at around the same time. I made efforts to stay in touch but they were not reciprocated and I eventually decided not to invite either of them to my wedding or any parties leading up to it. I’m disappointed that we lost contact and that I never had an explanation as to why. I guess that’s their choice and I’ve made so many other good friends since then. (Around the time they dropped contact, I became friends with someone I had even more in common with.)

After I got married, my BFF and I had a huge argument and then didn’t talk for a while. The reason is between us and has been addressed and resolved since that time. We took time off from one another and reconnected the following spring when we both had big news to share and had to hear each other’s news secondhand. I’m glad she gave me another chance and our friendship is tighter than ever now. I think the time apart was good for both of us. I had taken time off from a different friend when I was in college (for an entirely different reason) and then we reconnected and things were a lot better in our friendship since that time. We had a lot more to talk about and enjoyed each other’s company more. I wasn’t ignoring her during the time off, but she wasn’t making any effort either.

Nowadays, I treasure the friendships I have with my “friends for a lifetime.” Sure there will be “friends for a reason/season.” I make efforts in the friendship and if they can’t be reciprocated, I move on. I’m not saying that we have to exchange gifts or do favors for each other. I just like to know that you are able to send an e-mail or pick up the phone to say hi. We’re in such a high tech communication era that unless you’re living in a cave, there’s no reason you can’t stay in contact with me. I’ll admit that I’m bad about e-mailing and I’m a horrible phone person. I still find ways to reach out, whether it’s acknowledging someone’s birthday, inviting them to a party, sending an e-mail or writing a facebook post to check in, etc. Just saying “hi” and “how are you” is all it takes to make the initial connection. And if you think I’m bad (as I think I am) about staying in touch, then call me on it. I will respond. Just like the phone works both ways, so does a friendship with me. I’m always open to making new friends, as long as I know I can trust them. If the friendship isn’t meant to be, it will dissipate if you are not making the effort. I can only do so much from my end. As they say at the beginning “The Golden Girls”: “Thank you for being a friend…”