Would the above situation make a difference if I told you that this friend was Mindy Lahiri from The Mindy Project? Not Mindy Kaling, but the character she plays on this series. (Oddly enough, Mindy Lahiri doesn't have any girlfriends on the show anymore and I feel like there's something wrong with that.)
This, and a conversation I had with a friend recently, makes me wonder if I have more emotional investment in TV characters than I do with friends in real life. A while back, I blogged about being too emotionally invested in TV shows. And after seeing all the posts about people crying during the series finale of Parenthood (a show I have not yet seen), I believe that there's no limit to the investment. When a friend and I were talking about being emotionally invested in friendships, it got me wondering if we need that factor for the friendship to sustain itself. I started to assess my own relationships with my friends. When it comes to having an emotional investment in a friendship, I see it in a lot of different ways.
*Your life is entangled in theirs: There are the friendships where you're so involved that you feel like you're living vicariously through your friend. You are elated, sad, anxious, frustrated, or excited when they are. You feel their experiences like they happened to you somehow. This is definitely a deep emotional investment and happens mainly to the closest of friends.
*They're your diary: You've pretty much shared all your deepest, darkest thoughts with this friend and have sworn them to secrecy.
*You can cry on each other's shoulders: This friend has seen you ugly cry and you've seen them do the same.
*Your bond is forged from an emotional situation: You first became friends with them because a life experience they had drew you to them emotionally.
*You go above and beyond: It's not enough that you're there as a listening ear, but you'll also look out for them in other ways, remember things they like and don't like, get them gifts with no expectation of reciprocation, etc.
*You laugh together: Inside jokes are an emotional investment in some ways. No one else will get what you and your friend find so funny and you can always bring up this inside joke to further bond yourself with this friend.
*You're practically a couple: You are attached at the hip. If you get into a fight, you're devastated until things have smoothed over and are back to good again. If this friendship were to ever end, it would be like the worst breakup in history.
*You only know them online but feel like they're family to you: In this day and age, it happens more often than you'd think. I read a magazine article a few months ago about two women who had become close through the Internet but lived far apart. They eventually met up in person and it was like they had known each other their whole lives.
*The affection connection: You say "I love you" to each other. You hug a lot in person. You use a lot of X's and O's in your written communication. You aren't afraid to be mushy about your friendship.
*You never run out of stuff to talk about: Your connection is so seamless that you'll lose track of time from talking with each other and your conversations naturally segue into other conversations.
*You trust each other. Not just with secrets, but also that you won't betray each other and that you have each other's backs.
These are the main examples of emotional investments one can have in their friendships. You may recognize some of these in your friendships, whether it's a combination with one friend or a bunch of friends having different facets of investment from you. I listed these examples because I know I have some of these with various friends, as well as a combination with each of my closest friends.
The funny thing is, I've mainly applied this to girlfriends. I have guy friends too. The ones I'm most emotionally invested in, aside from my husband, happen to be gay. With the straight guy friends, it's more of a "shooting the breeze" type of friendship. Like we can talk and laugh with each other, but I don't have the kind of relationships that I do with my female and gay male friends. Most of the guys are married to my friends or friends with my husband. (Or both.) Some I've known before I met my husband, but our friendship moved to a more easygoing place since then. I still get along well with my straight guy friends and enjoy hanging out with them (usually when it's a group of friends together or a double date), but I don't seek emotional fulfillment from them since I have that with my husband already.
An example of this "phenomenon" is my friendship with a guy I dated almost 15 years ago. We only went out for about five months and then mutually decided to become friends. (I think we practically said it at the same time.) After that decision, and for about a year or so until I met my husband, we would e-mail all the time and even get together to just hang out. I'd give him dating advice and even get emotionally involved in his relationships. When I started dating my husband, I'd still talk with my friend from time to time, but when we'd hang out, it would be on double dates. He also bowled in a league with my husband for a little while. We went to each other's weddings, as well. I recently found out that he's going to be a dad soon. I'm very happy for him, but if a girlfriend had given me that same news about herself, I would probably be crying and over the moon with happiness, depending on the degree of emotional investment in our friendship.
In regards to online relationships....ever since I learned how to use the Internet in college, I have made lots of friends online. There are some I've met in person and some I have yet to meet. I have become rather close with a bunch of online friends, including the authors I've been working with ever since I started my book blog. Just like friends I know in person, online friends come and go too. I know who will stick around over time, and I hope they know who they are too. I know that I also have some easygoing relationships with various friends from the Internet, where we can just send each other news about pop culture or funny memes. Less of a deep emotional investment still allows for us to get along well and who knows where things could go over time?!?
This also applies to friends I know in person, either from the past or present. Most of my emotional investments are with these friends, but at different levels. It depends on where we are in our relationship. When I moved away from Illinois, I know it affected some of my friendships. I'm still friends with people I went to high school or college with, as well as some I met after the fact. However, we don't talk as often and when we do, it's mostly just easygoing banter. We can still care about each other and when we meet up in person, it's like no time was lost. There are still some friends I am really close with regardless of the distance. My BFF is definitely on the top of that list. We do a Google Hangout once a week and it's definitely strengthened our bond even more.
There are also the local friends to take into consideration. I live in a close-knit Modern Orthodox Jewish community. Over the five years I've been here, I've made some great friends. Even with being local, my friendships with certain people are at higher emotional investment levels than with others. It doesn't say anything about how much I like someone, but most of us are parents and have busy lives between work, our kids, and everything else going on throughout the days, months, and years. There are friends I may only see once a month to hang out one on one, or those I just see in Shul every so often and we do our catching up in the moments our kids aren't tugging on our skirts in groups or at kiddush (the time everyone gathers for snacks when services let out). It's always friendly banter though. There are some friends I've become really close with over time and not all of them are from my neighborhood. Those friends should know who they are by now.
I'm at this point in my life where I can only make so much effort in a friendship before deciding where it will go. If certain friendships end up in a less emotionally invested place, it doesn't mean I don't care about the friends themselves. We still check in with each other from time to time, but it's different than it was when we were in a different place in our lives. When friends want to be part of my life for the long haul, no matter how close or far we live from one another, my level of effort and emotional investment goes WAY up.
From being a kid and having very few friends I could say I was close with to where I am now is a huge lifestyle change for me. I used to be a lot clingier to friends because if our friendship ended, I'd feel completely unmoored. While I'd still feel that way if certain friendships were to ever end (Hashem forbid!), I also feel like I am in a much better place. I enjoy and cherish my relationships with my friends, whether they're really tight or just a check-in every so often.
Does this answer the question about the need for emotional investment in a friendship? I think I answered that by what I said above. I think it's important to have at least some friendships with an emotional investment as it keeps the friendship strong. However, I can also talk comfortably with someone as an acquaintance or as a friend I shoot the breeze with from time to time by just talking about surface topics like favorite TV shows and something funny we heard recently. I am enjoying the balance and as long as we're at the same place in our friendship (putting the same level of effort in, whether it's deep or easygoing), it's all good with me.
2 comments:
What a thought provoking topic. I'm not a big crier, but I did cry with random episodes of Parenthood. In private, where no one saw me. However, there have been times where if friends of mine are crying or upset, it makes me tear up because I feel for them. I think it really depends on the comfort level you have with someone and the situation involved. Someone once told me we choose who we love. I think this applies to all relationships and we choose how deep or how close we want to be with someone.
Oh gosh, I cried so much during Parenthood. I do get invested in shows. I'm really enjoying The Mindy Project!
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